With Chris Malkin, Tranmere’s feels-sick-at-the-sight-of-sick but adept-at-first-aid-if-need-be striker.
Who’s your regular room-mate and what annoying habits does he have?
I share with anyone who can put up with my snoring, and at the moment that’s Ged Brannan. I’ve had so many room-mates because nobody can sleep through the snores except Ged. Everyone else used to have to wake me up to stop it. He rings his girlfriend at midnight and keeps me awake, and he never makes the tea or anything, even though I’m senior to him and he should.
Describe your worst pair of trousers.
The pair of brown ones. They’re horrible because… well, because they’re brown, basically. You can’t wear anything brown at Tranmere, you get slaughtered. I originally bought them to wear when I went to Port Vale. I can’t even wear them for that. Perhaps I should get rid of them, but I’ve only worn them once.
If you trip up in the street, do you laugh at yourself or turn around and scowl at the pavement?
I swear, then pass myself laughing while I wait for the ground to swallow me up. I probably go a bit red as well.
If you found a £50 note on the pavement on your way into the ground, would you keep it or hand it in?
Round here it’d probably be a forged one if it was a 50, so I’d hand it in or else I’d end up in prison myself.
What has been the highlight of your career?
Scoring the winner at Wembley against Bolton in the play-offs. The lowest point was losing to Villa on penalties in the Coca-Cola Cup semi-final last season. It took us a long time to get over that disappointment.
If you won £6 million on the National Lottery, what would you spend it on?
I’d retire, definitely, and buy an island in the Maldives. Then I’d get a few of my mates – very good ones – and take them out there to live.
What’s your least favourite thing about training?
I hate having to wait around before we start training for everyone to get there, and travelling to the training ground takes about 20 minutes, which is quite a long time (Sounds near enough to me – Travel Ed.). And we do this closing-down session in training, so called because we’re practising closing down the opposition and getting the tackles in. It’s pretty boring and hard work, too.
Who do you think is the most underrated player in the country?
Mike Newell at Blackburn, although he hasn’t been playing for a while – he’s a really great player. At Tranmere, I’d say John McGreal is an excellent prospect. Mark my words. I might get a drink out of him for that…
What’s your favourite fish?
Sea bass, on a plate of Chinese food. Fantastic.
What game do you wish you’d played in?
I know it’s not very original, but I’d say the 1966 World Cup Final. Mind you, I would quite like to have been Kenneth Wolstenholme so I could have said, “The crowd are on the pitch… they think it’s all over… it is now!” instead.
If somebody had a heart attack while you were in a restaurant and you were halfway through your dinner, would you rush to help them or ignore all the commotion and carry on eating?
Well, I recently passed my first aid badge, so I’d rush over and start ordering people around. I’d take complete control of the situation and finish his dinner off afterwards. Then I’d go and finish mine.
Who would you like to swap lives with for the day?
Claudia Schiffer… mmm.
But you’d have to snog David Copperfield.
Oh. What if she doesn’t see him that day? I know, that bloke in Baywatch, David Hasselhoff, I’d be him.
Aah, but he doesn’t get to snog Pamela Anderson.
Doesn’t he? Well I’ll be the other one then, the bloke who gets to snog her.
Do you have any phobias?
Not really, but I am very superstitious. I’ve got a lucky toothbrush which I keep in my washbag for a game, and when it wears down I have to have another one exactly like it. I’ve got lucky boxer shorts as well, but they do get washed.
Are you useful around the house?
As a book-end or for keeping the couch warm. Occasionally – once a day at the most – I’ll make a cup of tea. Ironing, I definitely don’t do. Dusting, what’s that? Hoovering, well… I don’t even know where the hoover is. So no, I’m not useful at all.
What’s your favourite takeaway meal?
Special fried rice, sweet and sour sauce, curry sauce, chips and prawn crackers.
Do you suffer from nightmares?
Er, only on the pitch. Frequently, too.
What makes you feel sick?
That bit on The Word – the hopefuls, where those people come on and eat worms or lick sweat from fat people’s armpits. I saw one the other week where this bloke threw up in a glass and then drank it back down again. I couldn’t look, it was horrific. It’s so disgusting.